Favorite quotes: "Atypical" Edition

- "Whoever said practice makes perfect was an idiot. Humans can't be perfect because we're not machines. The best thing you can say about practice is that it makes...better."

- "Those are three of my least favorite things. Oh, and eating raisins because I don't like to eat things with wrinkles."

             

                                - "I don't like getting in water that people have touched."

 

- "His eyebrows were huge, like he was an arthropod using them as a tactile sensory appendage."

 

 

        - "Autism isn't an accomplishment. It's something I was born with. You wouldn't write an essay about having ten fingers and ten toes, would you? No, because that would be really, really, really, really dumb. So I'll stick with the boobs."

 

 

- "When I'm stressed, I recite the four species of Antarctic penguin. Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor and Gentoo. It helps. Mom taught me when I was little. You should try it next time you think you're dying. Except if you really are dying, it won't help at all."

 

- "I hate touching the pens at the bank. That's not really a question. That's just something I thought you should know."

 

 - "Hi, it's Sam, Sam Gardner? I had a plain turkey sandwich today that had very stale bread, and I had nothing to wash it down with. It was an aggravating lunch. Also, I got hit by a car. It was slow moving, so I'm fine. Okay."

 

- "I'm mostly excited. However, in my initial research, I discovered some alarming details. The campus is on a hill and I don't like the idea of living at an angle. I couldn't find chicken fingers on the cafeteria menu. I'm hoping the online menu is incomplete or seasonal. And according to my research, a large number of artists die penniless and alone, but I'm trying to stay optimistic cause my mom and Paige told me to."

 

- Zahid is the most stylish person I know. Sometimes he wears two watches.

- She didn't even mind when I locked her in my closet. That seems special and rare.

 

- "I'm not ready to take the D-train to Bonetown."

 

 

- "They're not just brownies, Samuel. They're pot brownies and pot is a vegetable. Cousin of cauliflower, stepbro of sage. You know, on a proper nutritional pyramid, dank chronic is the bottom floor."

 

- "Relax, chipmunk. It's going to be okay."

 

- "You're very welcome. Look, I know you're scared about where to go to college, but cuddle up and listen to papa. Life always works out. Usually."

 

- "For sure, dinosaur!"

 

- "These are my poop shoes. That way no one knows it's me in the bathroom cause they don't see my shoes under the stall."

 

- "Why are you wrapped up like a skinny white burrito?"

 

- "Look, you got me a lollipop so I'm trying to be nice, but, dude, I can't believe you were dumb enough to entrust your hard-earned cabbage to a corrupt government-backed bank. FDIC? More like, FDI-see you later, money."

 

- "Oh, you're cool, bro. You're as cool as a pickle in the freezer."

 

- "Name's Zahid. Starts with a Z, ends with a beautiful friendship?"

 

- "Hey, now, let's not get hysterical, alright? I mean, finger loss is an abnormal result of lying."

 

- "Two times a year I'll wear a pair of my dad's underwear to remind myself why I'm not a tighty-whitey guy. And why he's always so grumpy."

 

- Sir, I've got to handle this. Any other nerd in a blue shirt can help you.

 

- "Look over here, Double O Penguin."

 

- " If you lie and pretend that you like them, you're fine. But if you tell them the truth,you get fired, you can't afford food, and you get shanked for cutting in line at the soup kitchen.

And then you die. "

 

- " I learned everything I know from the dark lord herself - mom."

 

- "Why do villains always have cats?"

 

- "We can stay in here forever if you want. We can pee in the can, do college classes online. We can, you know, get old here and get a couple cats."

 

- "This place is impossible. The classes are hard. The toilets are, like, hidden. What is a convenience point? What's wrong with real money? You Clayton people too delicate to touch actual cash? I've been surviving off of granola bars and peanuts I found in my pocket."

 

- "Oh, cool. I just never knew I was dumb."

 

- "We thought my dad had a heart attack. Turns out it was just a panic attack caused by my mom being a tramp."

 

- The school bell sounds like an elf hitting a tiny triangle, which, at first I thought was soothing, but then it gets really creepy.

 

- "I'm still starving. Frankie talked me into ordering the quinoa bowl. I feel like I just ate two pounds of air."

 

- "Gawd, I need to bleach my ears."

- Doug: "I bet you these people eat cashews. You know cashews is the rich man's nut."

 

- Doug: "How does Zahid have your phone number?"

  Elsa: "I gave it to him in case of emergencies. But he just uses it to send me selfies when he's bored."

 

- Doug: "I made this igloo. You like this? Pretty good, right? I even used the stuffing

from Paige's murdered penguin as a snow base. I'm gonna go stand by it and

make sure no bozos spill punch on it."

 

- Doug: "I folded your shirts, but I'm not touching the under stuff."

 

- Elsa: "Sixteen years old. Can you believe it?"

Doug: "I can't believe it. She was so small and wrinkly as an infant.

She looked like a baked potato that was microwaved too long."

Elsa: "She was such an unattractive baby. But she's so pretty now!"

 

 

- Doug: "No, she's right. That kid is a shitbag."

Elsa: "Shitbag or not - it just does feel gross to say that out loud."

Doug: "I find it invigorating."

 

- "Elsa: Don't you just love zucchini bread? It's like cake with vegetables"

 

- Elsa: "I'm pretty sure growing up, I was encouraged to lie. You know,

to be polite when I was actually uncomfortable. To not say what I was

actually thinking. So it's ironic then that I have a son who says what

he's thinking and who has practically no ability to be fake."

 

- Doug: "Did you steal a child's trophy?"

Elsa: "Yes, I did. I stole a child's trophy."

 

- Elsa: "I drafted a really strongly worded email to the chief of police

and every other important person that I could think of, including Oprah."

Doug: Wait, you really included Oprah? 

Elsa: Of course. She can do anything.

  

- Elsa: "We'll just find you someone else, someone with more reasonable eyebrows."

 

- (about Sam's headphones) 

"They started as a way for drug kids to have raves in the woods,

but it turns out they're great for people with sensory issues. Who knew that

meth heads and people on the spectrum had some of the same needs?

Shoot. Was that insensitive to say?"

 

- "You know what's not in [this box]? My virginity! Yeah! Which you were

gonna get, by the way. But now you're not. I'll probably

end up doing it with the first guy in college with a British accent.

So thanks for that!"

 

- "Maine is so beautiful. It's just like Stephen King described it,

minus the scary sewer clowns."

 

- "Sam, I gotta go. It's family rap night and the hip hop Hardaways are

performing Hamilton. I'm playing all three sisters so it's a lot."

 

- "Rule number one: We don't hold hands. We don't hold books. We don't hold anything.

Well, except for each other - when I say that we can. Okay, we don't discuss

feelings, crushes, or finances. Oh! And our weekends are our own.

If we happen to be eating lunch together or studying together, sit across the

table from each other, not side by side like the French.

But we do kiss like the French. "

 

- "Oh my gosh, I just got out of a yearbook meeting.

No one could decide on a font. And I'm sorry, but Helvetica?

Gross. We are way better than that."

 

- "You will not believe what happened. I was practicing my valedictorian

speech in my nightly bubble bath and let's just say my note cards were involved

in a vision candle accident. Really lucky I was in water.

But anyway, now I have to rewrite them all from scratch.

And buy a laminator."